Warning: This post is emotive and may trigger distress. However it is so descriptive it may help those who don’t know to develop a sense of what mental distress is like. That’s why I left it in this edition.
Stuart Sorensen (Editor)
I know it’s kind of silly to compare depression to a demon but it sort of is, it sucks away all your energy and enthusiasm and feeds you despair, sadness and worthlessness. I really do feel like the depression is winning me over. Everyday is harder than the last one. If I have to pay out of pocket for a therapist, I will at this point. I am reaching the bottom. I went on a depression chat last night and I was talking to someone and they mentioned that to me…that I’m at the bottom. I really am. I don’t see a point in life anymore. My relationship with my husband is strained (obviously), I feel like a jack ass every time I try to reach out to my family and friends because I don’t want to scare them away. I am so lost. It hurts to breathe and my bones ache and it takes everything inside me to not cry all day and lay there and do nothing.
I called out of work today because I would have probably had a breakdown if I went since Sunday is the worst day to work there. I’m going to the doctor’s tomorrow and getting a medical note to take some days off. It’s not like I don’t want to work. I need the money. I consider myself responsible. But like I said, I’m going through something really bad right now and I need time to clear my mind so I can be somewhat healthy and feel a little sane again.
It would be ideal if I could have a therapist who is LGBTQ friendly, but at this point I’m not picky. It could even be a guy, I don’t care. I just need professional help. I definitely need to go to a support group, too. I’m going to look around the area for one. If I don’t find anything, I’ll call the Department of Mental Health tomorrow and ask for support groups. I’m not going to do anything to myself…I mean, I’m trying my hardest to not relapse with the cutting but it’s very, very hard. I was so close last night. I kept thinking of the blade slicing across my skin and the relief it would give me. If it gets really bad again, I might do it. But hopefully not.
I’m sorry this post is so depressing. I’m in a really bad place right now and the world is distorted and bleak. I feel like a ghost, like a walking corpse.
You can read more by the same author at: http://thischarminggirl89.wordpress.com/